Keith Barrett

If Life Was Run Like The Tech Industry

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[For the #humor  impaired, this is parody]

General Electric reported their studies confirm 95% of all the homes using their stoves only utilize 2 burners to prepare meals. All future stoves will ship with 4 burners, however only 2 of them will actually be activated. If you need more than 2 burners, you can subscribe to GE’s professional cooking tier for $15/month and all 4 burners will be available for use. If however you are found to be an excessive cooker, the company reserves the right to reduce the electrical current to your burners so that food preparation may take longer. This is to help address concerns from the restaurant lobby that you may be serving food to other guests in an attempt to avoid going out to eat in a restaurant. In order to facilitate these protections, all stoves will require continuous connectivity to the Internet.

Ford Motors announced today that all future car models will have the brake and gas pedals reversed. “The use of these pedals hasn’t changed since cars were invented, and we believe that most people will find it more natural and intuitive to have the brake pedal on the right”.

Dunkin’ Donuts has purchased the Krispy Kreme franchise and announced that they are shutting down all existing production. A spokes person for Dunkin’ Donuts reported that “We saw a lot of exciting ideas in that company and we purchased it as a means to add their talented staff to ours”.

Kiwi will be discontinuing all colors of shoe polish by the end of next month except for black and brown. “We’re sorry that we’ve been the most popular supplier of all these other colors for years, but we just didn’t make enough money from them to continue their support”.

Green Giant, in order to protect against loss of revenue, has added a legal clause to their line of frozen vegetables requiring that the buyer not exceed the suggested number of servings for the item. “The sales lost from people stretching a 4 serving item to 5 or 6 servings is significant” they claim. To prevent any misunderstanding, all food items will now come wrapped in a cellophane package warning that if you break the seal you agree to these serving terms.

Harley Davidson announced their new line of motorcycles will come equiped with remote traffic light controls, sirens, rocket assisted jumps, autopilot, and a laser guided video camera drone launcher. However they regret that some or all of these features will be disabled by default in states where they are illegal.

Wal-Mart has started a new promotional campaign where if you enter a store, your entire body will be bombarded with ad stickers in exchange for the privilege of being allowed to shop there. If you pre-register with the store ahead of time, the stickers will be more targeted to items you might find of interest.

The Mayor of Boston announced that in the interest of promoting sharing and improving community relations, all homes will have their locks removed. When asked about the potential theft or misuse of personal property, the mayor responded “all property moved into the town of Boston is now owned by the town and we have big plans for it”. Law enforcement in Chicago implimented a more extreme policy last week by requiring all citizens to remove their front doors altogether. The mayor of Chicago is quoted as saying “The savings to the city will be enormous. The process of obtaining search warrants and breaking down doors of suspected criminals was an incredibly time consuming and costly process. Being able to see into the homes or enter without obstruction has improved efficiency.”

Nike’ has file a patent for “a mode of transportation where the left foot is placed forward, then the right foot.”. This patent is similar to the one already in a law suit filed by Reebok where the right foot is placed forward first, then the left”. The patents are being contested because ancient Egyptian art clearly shows people exercising this form of locomotion. 

Police in Iowa forced a teen at the mall to immediately change into generic white clothing when the local GAP store served notice the clothes he was wearing look remarkably similar to the ones they were selling and he could not produce a license to display those clothes in public.

Jack’s hardware filed suit against the town of Orlando, siting that ever since the street was extended and his address is no longer the lowest number, he has lost a lot of business.

Imported from Google+ — content and formatting may not be reliable